life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
