he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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