I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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