Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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