Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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