just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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