Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
