i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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