So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
