Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
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