if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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