Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
