You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just had sex on a roof
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
