You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
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I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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