i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
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We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
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Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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