it wasn't lemon gatorade
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
