I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
