So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I can text with my tongue
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
