I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
When did angry sex become our thing?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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