Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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