I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
