I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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