Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
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