im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
