Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
