everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
