just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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