i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
