EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
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You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
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I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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