I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
