Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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