Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
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