My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
