Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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