vagina is talking i cant
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
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