He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
