u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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