One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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