this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
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We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
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There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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