I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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