i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
