I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
