Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
