I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
