onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
