I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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