So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
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why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
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you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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