Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
