Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
