then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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