Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
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