I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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