wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
