so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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