I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
