dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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