I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
