I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
