fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
