so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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